I am not just a nurse. 

I’m a nurse, a theater nurse. I got shouted with unimaginable words, accused for things I didn’t do, and unappreciated because our patients are sedated before and after the surgery. As a nurse, you just don’t need a large amount of patience, you need unlimited of it, because you can’t just breakdown and cry, every shift should be a lesson learned. Most people think that we, nurses, are well-compensated. We are getting minimum wage before taxes, and yes, we overworked and underpaid. We might be complaining for this inequality, but can you blame us?

We took 4 years in college to get a degree, passed the board exam and worst part is being a volunteer nurse for years. We handle lives, not papers.  We celebrate the beginning of life and mourn for those dying ones. We were there, when the first breath was taken. We were there, when the last breath was taken. You can see us with no emotions especially in front of the significant others, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about our departed patients. We do, in fact it’s more difficult in our part, because we are crying and dying inside, but we still need to show them how strong we are. I just want to share to everyone that this is just a piece of our nursing lives. There are still chaotic events inside the surgical suite, but at the end of the day no one can help you but yourself.

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16 August 2014
Saturday, 9:15am
MRT, Ayala Avenue.

It’s not about the shitty outfit nor the disgusting face. It’s indeed the personality and eagerness of that one person to pursue you.

16 August 2014
Saturday, 5:45pm

That twilight on that date, it was raining hard like the clouds were spitting anger against humanity. That boy in dark polo shirt and light brown pants shared under my umbrella. We ran while the rain clash thru our clothes then to our skin, soaking wet but lovely. I felt infinite that day, it’s indeed the most wonderful feeling that had happened to me. Will this feeling can last a lifetime? I don’t know.

I am left with…

I am left with
nothing but the image of your face in my brain.
Like, fresh monochrome photos that can’t fade away.
I am left with
threads of memories attached to my vital organs.
Softly, they are touching every thing inside me.
I am left with
your lovely voice that resonates in my ears.
Blowing, like the sea breeze that brings sense of love and belongingness.

Lucklaster

Clark never liked Gavin from the beginning of the conversation, but Gavin gave him impression that he’s indeed worth the risk. Days, weeks, and months passed, what had happened? Is there a growth or downfall to whatever Gavin has started? Clark been quite down for couple days, not knowing the real reason behind it or he’s just sugarcoating the heart-breaking speculation that could lead to his own disintegration. He can neither tell nor control his feelings towards to someone, like who the hell can do that? He doesn’t even like his hands to be held, without really knowing your feelings for him. And worse, but the sweetest he felt while inside the cab on his way to the terminal was the kiss you gave him.

Derailed Feelings

Shall I pursue something that is blurry? I really feel insignificant with whatever we have, right now. I want to say “I love you”, but too ridiculed with your response. My brain keeps thinking if there is something good that will happen for both us, which will be a life changing on my part. I’ve already derailed myself from a happy ending, I feel alienated every time a person invades my life. A friend told me that I’ve already lost the game, because I’ve virtually fallen in love with you. I’m still under a cloud for what you might feel when I start bursting all of these in words. What happened to my, “I’m not going to fall in love with someone from UPM, ever again.”?

Where do I stand?

Things are pretty messed up since we started virtually talking. I don’t know, but it’s obviously wrong. I told you before that I regret knowing you, but things change. Now, I have to admit that I like you, but I know we don’t have a future together. I’m not sure if the word busy is synonymous to ignore or it is just me. Anyway, I don’t expect a lot from you, though I did. Now, look, I’m still a mess. If ever you’ll rundown on my page, please give answers to where do I stand?

M.I.A.

The caffeine starts to take its effect on me. I thought it can make me feel better than having plain water, but it didn’t. It was like a reinforcement with sadness. A bottle of beer is what I need, but no stocks inside the fridge, because I don’t want others to ask me why I do have bottles of beer. Shall i mask it that I have trouble sleeping or I’m just really alcoholic. Yes, whatever. I don’t what I felt sad for the past days, maybe because I’m not receiving any message from him. Am I that clingy that it’s already been 3 days and still there’s neither hi nor hello? Ugh, I don’t know, I’m so done with the 3-day-approach. I’m not going to finish this with a bitter ending, let me commence this with wishful thinking.